XII.

Even when the sky comes fallin’

Just what is it that is wrong with me today? I’ve been wondering what makes me feel like I want to elude anyone that I know. I feel like I do take advantage of the people I love in ways where I don’t use them at all. The ignorance or the negligence to request help from your loved ones or even having the feeling to not cater to them is the worse kind of pain, but a pain that is testing me. I feel uneasy. I feel uncomfortable. I feel like I can flip a table, only to be flipped with it.

Nothing has been going my way for my personal life nowadays. Things I own get destroyed left and right as if the law of entropy finally solved the equation and the answer gradually gives it sweet resolution. I break this, I break that, I forget this, I forget that. What hurts even more is the feeling of disconnect I have with people. I feel like the objects I possess are the like the people I care for. I break him, I break her. I forget her, I forget him. I hurt him, I hurt her. Such turmoil is so selfish, it sickens me. I truly am having this weird disconnect. It’s not like I didn’t have that before. I’ve always had it. However, why am I starting to care for it? 

Even when the sun don’t shine…

The sky has been rather cloudy lately that all I can contemplate on is whether my own storms are coming. I feel the wind rushing and the chills are sure to come. Is it just my own climate to control or will there truly be a circumstance that will shake my flag - one that I’ve erected proudly as a sign I will be stronger with each day? I haven’t been standing by that creed. I feel weak. I feel inadequate. I feel like I’m constituted by time again, and the rush, the pressure of things envelop me. I can feel myself grow more agitated by the day, I’m flustered. 

Perhaps that door to darkness isn’t so far, my friend. Maybe I might get sucked in again. There is no giving in this world. Maybe it’s time I learn that.

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